Sept. 5, 2008 -- First off, I want you to know that you'll never be required to speak English to read this column. In fact, you'll probably like it better if you don't.

FEMA has declared the LPGA's P.R. department a disaster area after word leaked that the league has told its players they'll have to pass an oral English exam by the end of 2009 or risk being suspended. Players from other tours, including the PGA Tour, have sounded off, including Boo Weekley, who through an interpreter lashed out at the policy.

The LPGA, meanwhile, can't understand all the fuss over its impending language barrier. One executive was quoted as saying, "We see this as a pro-international move." Which sounds a little like a Confederate candidate touting slavery as "pro-jobs."

Speaking of P.R. gaffes, international competition and indentured servitude, we give you Paul Azinger's four Ryder Cup captain's picks -- announced Tuesday in New York -- and specifically, Hunter Mahan. The other three are Steve Stricker, J.B. Holmes and Chad Campbell. Stricker was a no-brainer. He was ninth in the points standings and would've earned an automatic spot on the team under the old qualification criteria. Holmes and Campbell were reaches, at 17th and 20th, in points, respectively. But each made sense in his own way.

Holmes is one of Kentucky's native sons and one of the planet's biggest hitters who'll have ample room to grip and rip at Valhalla, a course he's played a million times. Campbell confessed to being a bit surprised to get Azinger's call, but he's nearly metronomic in his ball-striking, ranking ninth in that category, which combines total driving with greens in regulation. Even his chronic bugaboo, putting, is dramatically better this year at 21st. (He was 162nd last year and 143rd the year before.)

There won't be a player on either team completely immune to the pressure of playing in the Ryder Cup. But no one that week in Louisville, not even the two Kentuckians, will feel like a Quarter Pounder under a heat lamp like Mahan. The 26-year-old Dallas denizen, you'll recall, told a golf publication recently that the PGA of America doesn't care about winning the Ryder Cup, only about making money off the matches. He added, "You're just a slave that week."

Imagine what he would've said had he ever actually played in a Ryder Cup. Now, thanks to Azinger, Mahan gets a chance to atone for A Zinger of his own, though nothing he does on the course should ever excuse a white man from so brazenly invoking slavery as a metaphor for anything he'll ever experience. (Forget about the Ryder Cup; Mahan should feel fortunate he wasn't suspended from the Tour like Kelly Tilghman was kicked off Golf Channel's telecasts for a time earlier this year for trying to work "lynch" into a punch line.)

Based purely on performance, the selection of Mahan was neither indefensible nor a slam dunk. He finished 12th in the points standings, which would seem to suggest that he's among the most deserving dozen the U.S. could offer. But he's only won once in 4 1/2 years on Tour, and that was at last year's Travelers in Hartford against a decent field but one that didn't include names like Woods, Mickelson, Furyk or Garcia.

Mahan was sandwiched in the final points standings between D.J. Trahan and Sean O'Hair, each of whom has multiple career victories, including Ws this year, and therefore a strong case for being one of the chosen ones. Zach Johnson would've brought to the team the most recent American major championship, not counting the wounded Tiger. Rocco Mediate would've added giggles, Woody Austin grit.

But in Mahan, Azinger may've seen a younger version of himself. Plenty of talent, even more confidence/cockiness, and for sure a general disregard for decorum in the press tent. It was Azinger who once referred to NBC's Johnny Miller as that "moron in the booth," then tried to make amends by joking that he'd meant to say that "Mormon in the booth." Even as U.S. Ryder Cup captain, Zinger's had trouble staying tight-lipped. He's already apologized to Nick Faldo for saying some unflattering things about his once and future antagonist in an interview earlier this summer.

The Mahan pick could be genius. If he gets to Valhalla believing the only way he can extinguish those highly flammable verbal volleys for good is to keep his head down, his mouth shut, and win three or four points, it could give the U.S. the kind of momentum it needs to beat a European team that's better on paper.

But that will take more mental toughness than Mahan showed at the PGA Championship. Playing under the pressure of his interview having just hit the fan and fully aware that a high finish would earn him an automatic spot on the team, Mahan promptly threw a little 81 on the board Thursday at Oakland Hills, then shot 79 Friday to finish tied for last among those who play the Tour for a living.

Mahan's already a target for the British tabloids, who'll take turns duct-taping him to the flagpole in the schoolyard each day. If he pops off or plays poorly or (gulp) both, it could get ugly.

My advice? Let your clubs do the talking. And if you must open your mouth, take a page from your endangered LPGA sisters: "No speaka English."