Updated: Best golf jokes

Bill Murray
PGA of America
Bill Murray probably knows a good golf joke or two.
By T.J. Auclair
PGA.com
Connect with T.J.
PGA.com

Series: Golf Buzz

Published: Wednesday, December 10, 2014 | 2:30 p.m.

Who doesn't love a good golf joke?

Yeah, that's what we thought.

Last year, we asked our friends in PGA.com Facebook Nation to entertain us with their favorite (clean) golf jokes. And the jokes were great.

Recently, we wanted to see if there were any more so we asked again: What's your best golf joke? 

Some were duplicates -- and yes, they were still funny the second time -- but we did get some clever ones. 

Of course, we asked you to keep it clean, but not everyone could follow those instructions. That doesn't mean your joke wasn't hilarious -- it just wasn't eligible here

Here they are, the best (clean) golf jokes submitted by you with the new ones at the top:

Eric Bronsveld: I was playing with this 85-year-old man recently on a course that I was unfamiliar with. On the third hole, I asked him what's the best part of the fairway to be on, and he replied, "the top."

Dom Smith: A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, "Did you have a good time out there?"

The man replied "Fabulous, thank you."

"You're welcome," said the pro. "How did you find the greens?"

Said the man: "Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!"

Ralph Schiefer: Last words of a golfer standing in the woods? "I can see a gap."

READ: Complete glossary of golf terms

Steve Hobbs: Four retired men play golf together once a week for many years. One day on 16th hole that runs along side the highway, a funeral procession drives by. One man says to the others, "Stop and remove your hats, show some respect."

Afterward, one of the other men asked him what got into him. "I have never seen you show anybody any respect."

The first man replied: "I was married to her for 65 years." 

Kevin Kinney: "Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole."

"That's terrible!" she says.

"You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie."

Tom Schipper: Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."

The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.

The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball." 

Cathy McCartney Happel: A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents.

He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.

With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland."

After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."

John Dorsey: A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world."

The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."

READ: Best photos of 2014

Derick A. Pindroh: A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!" 

Kris E. Wilson: A married couple played golf together everyday.

One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.

He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.

She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.

They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.

The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball."

The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?

The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went." 

Related: Get some quick golf tips with these instructional videos

Howard P. Curtis: Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Tom Bach: Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.

One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.

The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress."

So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, "Small world, huh?"

Jay Jamasey Song: A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!"

So God says, "Watch this."

The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?"

God says, "Who is he gonna tell?"

T.J. Auclair is a Senior Interactive Producer for PGA.com and has covered professional golf since 1998, traveling to over 60 major championships. You can follow him on Twitter, @tjauclair.


Comments

orinmoore

Great article. In this spirit, this comedy site has a great 30 second comedic golf video on the short game: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnlOje9Pomc&feature=c4-overview&list=UURrB-sYDKibHOlVZsi3HJjw

orinmoore

Great Article! Good idea!
I wonder how much the pro's joke on the course. If done right, it would seem to be an effective tension release.

brianc_2

I have an old one: A grandfather, his son and grandson are just about to tee off their weekly round on the first hole. A gorgeous woman comes running across and says I was suppose to play with Dr. Green but he got called to the hospital would you mind if I played with you. Well they were a little put off but agreed. She hits a 275 yard drive and a second shot to 3 fet and makes the put . Well they said this won't be bad at all. Well she continues to play the whole round down the middle and on the green. They get to the last hole she has about 6 feet she says to the three some if i make this put I will have a 69 and I have never broken 70 on this course. If one of you can tell me how to make this I will take you home,cook you dinner and we will spend the night. So the anxious gradson say its one ball out to the right die it in the cup, the father says no, no its right edge firm and after a pause the grandfather walks over picks up the ball says its good your place or mine.

brendatrott

These are pretty funny. Here are a couple more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-LgWGZVdxE

jeperk79

Sorry but number 2 was much funnier than number 1. I appreciate the irony of getting a hole in one with no witnesses, but number 2...too funny!!!