A Quick Nine: Best golf jokes

Tiger Woods
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Are Fred Couples and Tiger Woods laughing at one of the golf jokes our friends in PGA.com Facebook Nation submitted below?
T.J. Auclair, Interactive Producer

Series: A Quick Nine

Published: Wednesday, March 06, 2013 | 9:48 a.m.

Who doesn't love a good golf joke?

Yeah, that's what we thought.

In the mood for some golf humor, we asked our friends in PGA.com Facebook Nation to entertain us this week, asking the question: What's your best golf joke?

Of course, we asked you to keep it clean (not everyone could follow those instructions. That doesn't mean your joke wasn't hilarious -- it just wasn't eligible here).

Here they are, the best (clean) golf jokes submitted by you:

9. "Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole."

"That's terrible!" she says.

"You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie." -- Kevin Kinney

8. Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."

The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.

The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball." -- Tom Schipper

7. A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.

With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland."

After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three." -- Cathy McCartney Happel

6. A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world."

The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence." -- John Dorsey

5. A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot - approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!" -- Derick A. Pindroh

4. A married couple played golf together everyday.

One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.

He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.

She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.

They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.

The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball"

The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?

The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went." -- Kris E. Wilson

3. Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it." -- Howard P. Curtis

2. Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.

One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.

The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress."

So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, "Small world, huh?" -- Tom Bach

1. A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!"

So God says, "Watch this."

The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?"

God says, "Who is he gonna tell?" -- Jay Jamasey Song 



Great article. In this spirit, this comedy site has a great 30 second comedic golf video on the short game: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnlOje9Pomc&feature=c4-overview&list=UURrB-sYDKibHOlVZsi3HJjw


Great Article! Good idea!
I wonder how much the pro's joke on the course. If done right, it would seem to be an effective tension release.


I have an old one: A grandfather, his son and grandson are just about to tee off their weekly round on the first hole. A gorgeous woman comes running across and says I was suppose to play with Dr. Green but he got called to the hospital would you mind if I played with you. Well they were a little put off but agreed. She hits a 275 yard drive and a second shot to 3 fet and makes the put . Well they said this won't be bad at all. Well she continues to play the whole round down the middle and on the green. They get to the last hole she has about 6 feet she says to the three some if i make this put I will have a 69 and I have never broken 70 on this course. If one of you can tell me how to make this I will take you home,cook you dinner and we will spend the night. So the anxious gradson say its one ball out to the right die it in the cup, the father says no, no its right edge firm and after a pause the grandfather walks over picks up the ball says its good your place or mine.


These are pretty funny. Here are a couple more: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-LgWGZVdxE


Sorry but number 2 was much funnier than number 1. I appreciate the irony of getting a hole in one with no witnesses, but number 2...too funny!!!