A Quick Nine: Best golf-based movie quotes

John Kim, Coordinating Producer

Series: Golf Buzz

Published: Tuesday, February 15, 2011 | 12:41 p.m.


One of golf's enduring and endearing qualities is how it not only provides great entertainment, it's also a perfect setting for great stories.  Hollywood has used golf to make us laugh, make us cheer and at times, make us cry.  And when we asked the nearly 100,000 Facebook fans of PGA.com to provide their favorite movie quote from a golf-based film, there was an overwhelming response. That said, for the large number of quotes provided, it seems that a certain few films have provided the most memorable lines. One in particular, starring a certain gopher.  Can you take a wild guess what that would be?
So without further ado, here are you "A Quick Nine" quotes from a golf-based movie.  (And yes, there were about 20 more GREAT quotes that could have made the list.  Alas, it's "A Quick Nine," not "a long 29." These were the most cited quotes given. Obviously, films with a comedic tint were more quoted than biopics or dramatic storylines. And yes, I know I'm leaving out some great classics.)
9.  "I don't think the heavy stuff is coming for a while" - Caddyshack (First submitted by Ryan Viveiros)
8.  "Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer - huge ass." - Happy Gilmore (First submitted by Jim Wingate)
7.  "There's a perfect shot out there tryin' to find each and every one of us... All we got to do is get ourselves out of its way, to let it choose us... Can't see that flag as some dragon you got to slay... You got to look with soft eyes... See the place where the tides and the seasons and the turnin' of the Earth, all come together... where everything that is, becomes one... You got to seek that place with your soul"  - Legend of Bagger Vance (first submitted by Robert Purvis Jr.)
6.  "Somebody's closer." - Happy Gilmore (first submitted by Chris Wolford)
5.  "Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them" - Tin Cup. (First submitted by Eric Majewski)
4.  "Do you want a piece of me poppy." "No I want the whole thing." - Happy Gilmore (First submitted by Brandon Cravens)
3.  "We have a pool and a pond...the pond would be good for you" - Caddyshack (first submitted by David Medeiros)
2. "...on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice." CaddyShack. (first submitted by Chip Sleeper)
1. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole" - Asst. greenskeeper Carl Spackler from...well, you know. (submitted by a whole lotta folks)



"Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it." Caddyshack. Great list of golf movies here http://roundofgolf.ca/10-must-watch-golf-movies-golfers-watch-twice/


Rannulph Junnah: You really love this game, don't you?
Hardy Greaves: The greatest game there is.
Rannulph Junnah: You really think so?
Hardy Greaves: Ask anybody. It's fun, it's hard and you stand on the green grass, and it's just you and the ball. There ain't nobody to beat up on but yourself. Just like Mr. Nunan keeps hitting himself with the club when he's angry. He's broken his toe three times on account of it. It's the only game you can call penalty on yourself. If you're honest, which most people are. There just ain't no other game like it.


You folks are welcome to your favorites, but there is only one truly great golf-related quote from a golf movie: Rodney, in Caddyshack: At the halfway house after playing a horrendous front 9: "Geez, I'm playin' so bad, I shoulda stayed home and played with myself!!!" If I could add simply quotes from golf movies, not necessarily related to golf, Rodney again, at the dinner: "Oh, so this is your grandson, Judge? Good boy, nice boy!! (Aside to his friends) NOW I KNOW WHY TIGERS EAT THEIR YOUNG!!" LOL.


"Big hitter the Lama" and "How's about a little something for the effort"


You're standing too close to the ball, after hitting it! Bat21


I look like a fool!
What the HELL you think you look like shootin those chili peppers up Lee Janzens ass.
romeo to tin cup




He's a Fonzanoon. Whats a Fonzanoon? A Fonzanoon is a Fonzanoon!
Caddy Shack II
"A fonzanoon is a person who farts in the bath tub and bites the bubbles"


"the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, in the opposite direction".......
"A donut without a hole, is a Danish"...
Ty Webb "Caddyshack".


"Be the ball!" from Caddyshack...


Judge Smails,

I've sentenced boys younger than you (Danny) to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it, felt I owed it to them.


Tin Cup: "Nice par David."


It's getting embarassing. No it's been embarassing for quite some time now.
Bagger Vance


Read it, roll it, hole it. Eddie Lowry Greatest Game Ever Played


Fifty bucks says the Smails kid picks his nose....
Another fifty says he eats it...




Of course, there's always Lacey Underall: "I enjoy skinny skiing...going to bullfights on acid...."


(snap of the fingers) "Ball!" Tin Cup


Most important of ALL...the end of Bagger Vance: "It's a game that can't be won, only played. And so I play. I play on. I play for the moments yet to come...looking for my place in the field."


The critical opening phrase of this poem will always be the grip. Which the hands unite to form a single unit by the simple overlap of the little finger. Lowly and slowly the clubhead is led back. Pulled into position not by the hands, but by the body which turns away from the target shifting weight to the right side without shifting balance. Tempo is everything; perfection unobtainable as the body coils down at the top of the swing. Theres a slight hesitation. A little nod to the gods.
That he is fallible. That perfection is unobtainable. And now the weight begins shifting back to the left pulled by the powers inside the earth. It's alive, this swing! A living sculpture and down through contact, always down, striking the ball crisply, with character. A tuning fork goes off in your heart and your balls. Such a pure feeling is the well-struck golf shot. Now the follow through to finish. Always on line. The reverse C of the Golden Bear! The steel workers' power and brawn of Carl Sandburg's. Arnold Palmer!


Old Guy Golfing with wife (Caddyshack):
" Hey, Hon, That's a peach"
"Boy, I'm hot today"

Mrs. Smails: Darling, would you loofa my back?

Scottie: "I want ye to kill the gofers"
Carl: "But if we kill all the golfers.....

Carl: Varmintcong !!


"Make more birdies." - Tin Cup


" Wow..you buy a hat like that, I bet you get a free bowl of soup.....looks good on you tho"


Or even, "you scratched my anchor"


Has everyone already forgotten "Noonan"


It's easy to grin when your ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile, when his shorts are too tight in the seat!"


Chandler Young: "You got a driver and a putter. How can you play with just two clubs?"
Peter Blunt: "How many do you need?"
-Caddyshack II


"Winner, winner, chicken dinner!" - Tin Cup


"Don't sell yourself short, Judge. You're a tremendous slouch." -- Ty Webb, Caddyshack.


Judge Smails - "Oh hey Ty...what'd ya shoot today?"
Ty Webb - "Oh I don't keep score judge."
Judge Smails - "Well then how do you measure yourself with other other golfers?"
Ty Webb - "My height."


Always like the Spalding quote: I want a hamburger. No, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips
Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it!


One that didn't make the list that I thought could/should have - and yes, it's from Caddyshack. "I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them."


"Yeah, I always felt a man's grip on his club just like a man's grip on his world... "
Legend of Bagger Vance


" I didn't come here to lay-up' Tin Cup